Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i've created a new STD.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
