Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
