You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
