highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
