I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
