Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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