I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
