Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
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