i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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