Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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