He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
