Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
