it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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