Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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