your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
