You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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