Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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