i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
