he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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