R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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