i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
