After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
