wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
