he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
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Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
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You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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