Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
