My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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