shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
