I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
