I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
