I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
