Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
