you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Of course I have a pirate flag
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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