I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
God, I missed his penis.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
