I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
