I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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