You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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