you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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