So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
