when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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