meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
