The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.