i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god