i can't believe i had my finger in that
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her