I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
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It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.