why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
