God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
