i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
