Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
