if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
