Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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