I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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