i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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