I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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