i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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