i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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