pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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