I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
