Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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